I ended up having a binge. I ate crackers and cheese, steak, corn and mashed potatoes. I was expecting to gain at least 2 pounds but no I was only up .4. I can't believe it. Hope you all are doing well.

~Peace. Love. Skinny.~

I am so sorry I haven't been on again but my brother has been staying with us. He sleeps in the living room where our computer is. He went home so he could go to work which is the only reason I'm able to be on here now. He's coming back tomorrow but I'll be on here off and on. I won't be able to post much thinspo since my family's around. Since my brother has been staying with us, so I've had to eat to keep everybody at bay about my eating. Fortunately, I haven't gained a whole lot from it. I've gained and lost the same 2 pounds. I'm starting The Skinny Girl Diet today. It's and easier,shorter version of The ABC Diet. You can consume fruits and vegetables without counting them towards your calories intake too. I figured it would be a good way to get my self control back. Today's goal is 400 calories and so far I've only had fruit cup. I'll try to do a thinspo post later. Hope you all are doing well.

~Peace. Love. Skinny.~

I've been thinking today about how all this started with my eating. This isn't for sympathy or anything like that, I just want to share my story. So here it is.

When I was 10 my half brother, Loren, moved out. He was the last of my 3 half- brothers to leave. I didn't care about anything. My grades slipped, I stopped hanging out with my friends, I dropped out of the program I was in for gifted kids. I just didn't care. My family also decided I wasn't worth talking to anymore not too long after that. I just felt so alone. One thing never left me though: food. I started eating large quantities of food. Food was the only thing I had, it never judged me or walked away from me, as stupid as that sounds. I gained a whole bunch of weight and started feeling terrible about myself because of it, but I couldn't stop. When I was 12 I started to cut myself as punishment for being so fat and worthless. My aunt's comments about my weight sure didn't help. She's one of those who's naturally thin and believes that everyone cold and should be thin, no matter what. My mom, being overweight as well, got into several arguments with my aunt over those remarks.

Four years ago my mom got diabetes which caused her to lose 80 pounds. All of the sudden my half brother Jason (who is also naturally thin) and my aunt started treating her different. Better. Three years ago, my aunt was taking my mother and I somewhere since we didn't have a car, and on the way back she stopped at the mall. She took my mo shopping right in front of me. My clothes were literally falling apart on me. My shirt had holes and was ripped in several spots, my jeans had holes in the knees and thighs, as well as being tattered at the bottom, and my shoes were all duct taped. It didn't matter, she wanted my mom to be outfitted in beautiful clothes since she was thin and gorgeous now. I decided right there I wasn't going to drop weight. I tried dieting I kept bingeing.Once I started eating I couldn't stop. It wasn't long before my mom joined in with my aunt about my weight.

On June 4th, 2009, my mom comes in the house with new jeans and says "It's a shame you're not smaller or else you could go to the mall with your aunt and I." The next day I only at 600 calories. I'll never forget how happy and accomplished I felt. Never before or never since has anything ever given me that feeling. Not getting straight A'S in school, not getting my first kiss or boyfriend, not even getting my first car compares. The next day I got up and weighed myself:I was down 4 pounds, in one day. I kept going down until one day I binged. I just gave up.

I started binge eating again and I've ballooned back up to my start weight. I started restricting/starving again not too long ago. For me it's everything or nothing. I have no middle ground with food for some reason. I've had the same ultimate goal weight since I started restricting/starving:90 pounds. I've never been able to get there. I will this time because now I'm doing to gloat. I WILL be smaller than my mom and aunt. I will look so small and fragile and make them look like whales.

I just wanted to share my story with all of you.

~Peace. Love. Skinny.~